A whole lotta hole

Los Angeles - 24/07/07

Today we went to the Grand Canyon; actually technically it was last night, seeing as we had to get up at 4AM to go on our tour. By 5:30AM we were on a propellor-engined plane with one sweet old Korean lady and a load of Japanese tourists. The poor Korean lady was getting a bit annoyed as the guide and even the Japanese tourists kept speaking to her in Japanese, which she didn't understand. I thought the Japanese people were supposed to be able to recognise who was and wasn't Japanese from the eyes, maybe they thought this lady was really enjoying the tour and was in a state of wide-eyed wonder for the whole day?

Once we got to the Grand Canyon airport, following a flight that might have lost someone their breakfast only of course, nobody had time to actually get one as we left so early, it was time for our orientation video. We were told of the native American's great love of the canyon and how they were really the world's first environmentalists, such is their respect for nature. There was a lot of stuff about spirits while at the same time pushing us to go for an upgrade to get the helicopter tour of the canyon. They kept referring to these tours as eco-tours as they cause no damage to the canyon. Unless their helicopters are vastly different to other copters, they are still the least environmentally friendly way to travel; the Indians clearly haven't grasped the eco big picture yet.

After a short bus trip, we got to go on the world famous Skywalk; It's the glass walkway that the Indians built extending out over the canyon where you are able to look straight down 4,000 feet at the valley below. There is nothing between you and a fairly brief but brutal demonstration of gravity than clear glass. They go to great lengths to assure you its completely safe. Apparently the structure can withstand the impact of 42 747 airplanes. Clearly the Indians are either expecting an incredibly committed attack from Al Queda or they’ve just figured that throughout history their luck hasn’t exactly been brilliant and getting nailed by 41 jumbo jets is the kind of thing that would happen to them.

Walking out on it means over-riding every instinct in your body. Every fibre in your being is telling you not to walk out into mid-air; it’s a very weird sensation. It’s like getting to do the fun bit of suicide without the unfortunate loss of life side-effect normally experienced. The Indians have some very strict rules to respect the spirits of the canyon. No cameras or mobile phones are allowed. This all sounds very mystical until you get out on the Skywalk and realise the main spirit that’d be offended is that of their official photographer, who’ll take your picture for twenty two bucks. I was disappointed, outraged and yet still on holiday – I only got the one copy.
After that is was on to an Indian outpost for a BBQ lunch. Again, the tree-hugging credentials of the native Indians took a bit of a hit when big chief flipping burger handed me my meal in its Styrofoam container. All-in-all, as holes in the ground go, I’ve never seen a more impressive one but whatever the Native American’s once were, they’re now a corporation who are looking for their share of the big tourist dollar just the same as every casino owner in Vegas. Still, if you ever get the urge to take a wander 4,000 feet in the air, I highly recommend it.